http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/A series of complaint letters sent to real companiesen-EUMokoFeed10http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/b6/813615ab2edabd6cd29e47b4dc6917_160x200.jpghttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/emailtoebayseller-re-black-rucksack-4639467/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-26:/2008/08/26/emailtoebayseller-re-black-rucksack-4639467/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:33:57 +0200 <p>Hi there, </p> <p>I am new to Ebay so I am quite unaccustomed to how things are done on the site.</p> <p>I am very interested in your Jansport Double Black Backpack Travel Rucksack 2in1 Bag. I must say that the price you have it for sale does indeed make a purchase tempting, however, I do have a few questions that will need answering before I commit to a purchase.</p> <p>Myself and a few associates are shortly due to visit Columbia for a long weekend break and hope to bring back with us some souvenirs. I need to know how well the bags are at containing odors. Due to the nature of my business I need a bag that will emit no odors upon my arrival back to the United Kingdom.</p> <p>Secondly, rather than meeting your “buy it now price” with the suggested fee, would you accept a trade as I have many items myself which could possibly be of interest to you, most notably a 1985 original Han Solo in Carbonite Star Wars figure still sealed within its original box. </p> <p>Looking forward to your response.</p> <p>Dean Griffiths</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/emailtoebayseller-re-black-rucksack-4639467/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>emailebayhttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/emailtoebayseller-re-black-rucksack-4639467/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/letter-to-british-association-of-paediatric-surgeons-4638889/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-26:/2008/08/26/letter-to-british-association-of-paediatric-surgeons-4638889/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:10:24 +0200 <p>To Whom It May Concern:</p> <p>I am writing to you to express my disgust at yourselves for your chosen lifestyles.</p> <p>What you inflict upon children is absolutely sickening and in my opinion you should all be jailed for life and shot and then have your bodies eaten by hungry pigs.</p> <p>It is a sign of the times, I’m afraid, that people like you are allowed to form an organization and boast about your sickening perversions. I have not visited your website so I cannot comment on the undoubted abundance of filth that must be on there, but I can use my imagination. </p> <p>I would like to see you close your entire network (Or ring, as you people like to call them) of offices and cease living your depraved lifestyles and hand yourselves over to the police, so that they can register each and every one of you and from there, perhaps send you to counseling so that you can control your sickening urges.</p> <p>I hope you have the decency to at least reply to this letter though I will not be surprised if you decide to lurk deeper into the shadows.</p> <p>Sincerely</p> <p>Dean Griffiths </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/letter-to-british-association-of-paediatric-surgeons-4638889/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>sickcomplainthttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/letter-to-british-association-of-paediatric-surgeons-4638889/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/letter-to-go-red-dot-com-4568061/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-10:/2008/08/10/letter-to-go-red-dot-com-4568061/Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:33:50 +0200 <p>Dear Go-red, </p> <p>In this weeks edition of my local paper “The Campaign” you have a job recruitment advert looking for driving instructors. It says in your advert that no experience is needed; does that statement include me as I don’t have a driving license?</p> <p>Thing is, personally I don’t believe that not holding a driving license myself would make much of a difference as I have been a passenger in a car on many occasions and honestly feel that as a result of that experience teaching someone how to drive should be relatively easy.</p> <p>As a fan of video games I have played more than my fair share of racing games, most notably Colin McRae Rally, which if you didn’t know is considered one of the harder console racing games, and I have completed this on many occasions.</p> <p>I’m sure you agree that to complete a game like that is impressive, so as you can see, I would make a very experienced driving instructor and would be an asset to your company. </p> <p>I’m looking forward to your racy response, (A little automotive humour there)</p> <p>Sincerely, </p> <p>Dean Griffiths</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/letter-to-go-red-dot-com-4568061/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>letternewsdrivingcomplainthttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/letter-to-go-red-dot-com-4568061/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/letter-to-plumbing-skills-4568046/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-10:/2008/08/10/letter-to-plumbing-skills-4568046/Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:30:51 +0200 <p>Dear Plumbing Skills, </p> <p>Could you please clarify something that has been causing me quite a bit of distress lately?</p> <p>I have just recently viewed your advert in my local free paper “The Campaign”, your advert which is in the recruitment section poses a very intriguing question; it says simply, “Are you a plumber?”</p> <p>My question is thus; how would I know?</p> <p>My parents have always said I should apply for factory work and this is something I’d always assumed I’d do as I’ve never really had any skills that stood out which I could earn a living from, but your question got me thinking, if I was a plumber then maybe I could have a different future than the one my parents have planned for me.</p> <p>What characteristics should I look out for? I mean, is it like the psychic abilities my Aunt Maggie developed a couple of years ago? She never knew she was a psychic either, her powers just came overnight along with a diagnosis of diabetes.</p> <p>Can I expect the same thing to happen to me if in fact I am a plumber?</p> <p>Please let me know what to look out for as your advert really struck a chord with me and I would like to know one way or the other as soon as possible.</p> <p>Looking forward to your response, </p> <p>Sincerely</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/letter-to-plumbing-skills-4568046/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>complaintletternewshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/letter-to-plumbing-skills-4568046/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-carphone-warehouse-4563579/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-carphone-warehouse-4563579/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:17:16 +0200 <p>Dear Carphone Warehouse</p> <p>I am emailing you to complain about your continued deception of the public. After listening to many of your adverts on the radio, I plucked up the courage, which being agoraphobic is not something I do lightly, and decided to visit your warehouse.</p> <p>Now, this is where my troubles erupted for after walking the length and breadth of all nearby industrial estates I was unable to locate your warehouse.</p> <p>When finally I asked directions to your warehouse I was pointed towards the Main Street of my local town whereby I found your measly shop.</p> <p>A shop?</p> <p>Can you imagine my surprise when I found out that you were not in fact a warehouse as you advertise on the radio but a shop no bigger than a bookie?</p> <p>Even my local WH Smith’s are bigger than you, and you don’t hear them advertising that they are a warehouse.</p> <p>I would like to see the “Warehouse” part of your company name removed from all advertising until you actually relocate your entire network of shops to Warehouses, failure to do this would be irresponsible on your part and a smack in the face to people like me who care about the many pitfalls of false-representation.</p> <p>Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing your new “revised” adverts.</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-carphone-warehouse-4563579/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>newscarphonemobilehttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-carphone-warehouse-4563579/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-gmtv-4563528/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-gmtv-4563528/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:59:36 +0200 <p>I am an avid viewer of your morning Television program but recently, this past week, I have become quite annoyed with what I perceive to be your increasingly loud volume. </p> <p>I don’t think you should transmit at such a loud volume that early in the morning. As I live in a flat with thin walls I have to take into consideration my neighbours and since you’ve started transmitting at an unnecessarily loud level I find it difficult to enjoy your show due to my worries about waking up my neighbours.</p> <p>Before you ask, I don’t believe the problem to reside with my TV as I’ve already ruled that out of the equation as I lost my remote control last week and the levels were fine before that.</p> <p>So can you please tone down the sound levels for your show otherwise I will be unable to continue to watch it.</p> <p>I am looking forward to you lowering your sound levels and your written apology.</p> <p>Thanking you in advance, </p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-gmtv-4563528/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>breakfastcomplaintgmtvhttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-gmtv-4563528/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-asda-4563524/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-asda-4563524/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:58:35 +0200 <p>To whomever it may concern, </p> <p>Recently I visited your store in Blackwood, South Wales and was horrified to discover that in your fresh fruit and veg section, there was what appeared to be at first glance a healthy pear. Now, this pear had caught my eye as like I said, from a distance it looked healthy and delicious.</p> <p>Upon further inspection I was shocked to discover that what I had mistaken for a healthy pear was in fact at least one day past its best. Now, I don’t know what kind of con you as a company are trying to pull but I for one will not tolerate it. Knowing that you are selling dodgy goods has brought me a great deal of distress, after all, if I am unable to trust a faceless multinational industry giant then who can I trust?</p> <p>I would like your written guarantee that that almost rotten pear was an anomaly in your otherwise fine fruit and veg selection (Although I did purchase a banana from you with a black bit in it a couple of years ago, but for now I'll let that slide.)</p> <p>I’m looking forward to both your response and most sincere apology.</p> <p>Faithfully,</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-asda-4563524/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>complaintshoppingfruitnewsasdahttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-asda-4563524/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-itv-4563517/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-itv-4563517/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:56:40 +0200 <p>To whomever it may concern, </p> <p>I understand the need to represent the interests of every social trend in your TV programming schedule but do you have to keep on putting rappers in front of your shows on late night/early morning TV repeats?</p> <p>Having never fully appreciated the many levels of the rap music movement, I find it hard to engross myself in your late night, early morning schedule because of their antics in the bottom right hand corner of the TV. </p> <p>It is most annoying and doubly so considering that what little I do know about the rap scene is that most of its performers are black, unless it’s that albino M&M chap with the pink eyes. </p> <p>Almost all the rappers you use are white, middle-aged and frumpy.</p> <p>If you are going to persist in using rappers in your early morning schedule could you at least make them appear authentic as I fear that you are embarrassing yourself with your attempts at being hip.</p> <p>Looking forward to your response,</p> <p>Dean Griffiths. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-itv-4563517/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>newsitvtvhttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-itv-4563517/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-ku-klux-klan-4563509/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-ku-klux-klan-4563509/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:54:50 +0200 <p>Dear Grand Master, </p> <p>I recently attempted to join your organisation only to be rudely declined by one of your members.</p> <p>I thought you’d like to know that your member, (I’ll save him the embarrassment of naming him) used racial prejudices in declining my application. </p> <p>I happen to be of African decent, both my mother and father are from Nigeria but I myself was born in England. I feel that your member used that information against me when denying my acceptance. I must admit that I was shocked when I was refused as I believe I would be a valuable member of your organisation despite the colour of my skin, (which is black).</p> <p>Hopefully you will be able to do something about this unfortunate situation and offer me a membership in your organisation in your response to this letter. Failure to do so will lead me to the conclusion that your organisation as a whole is perhaps racist and if this is the case then I will go to the newspapers with that information and publicly embarrass everyone associated with your organisation.</p> <p>I look forward to and expect your speedy response,</p> <p>Sincerely,</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-ku-klux-klan-4563509/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>ku-klux-klancomplainthttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-ku-klux-klan-4563509/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-ben-and-jerry-s-plus-reply-4563497/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-ben-and-jerry-s-plus-reply-4563497/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:50:48 +0200 <p>Dear Ben and/or Jerry, </p> <p>I have just finished perusing your website and feel that I must write to yourselves without any delay over the name of one of your former flavors.</p> <p>Said flavor was called “Vanilla – Like It Oughta Be Done” and can be found in the “Flavor Graveyard” section of your website.</p> <p>The suggestion of that particular title says to me clearly that you now manufacture your current vanilla flavored tub in a way that it is not meant to be manufactured.</p> <p>Now this has caused me quite the panic I must admit, as I am an avid fan of your Vanilla tub. So you can imagine my horror as I came to the realization that the Vanilla flavor I’ve come to know as my favorite isn’t really Vanilla at all, it’s just your half-assed attempt at making vanilla.</p> <p>Surely in the interests of customer satisfaction you should be making your Vanilla Ice Cream the way it should be made? </p> <p>I mean, the fact that you are admitting that your Vanilla ice cream isn’t made properly suggests that you do not care about me or your other customers.</p> <p>I feel very aggrieved by this revelation and will not be buying any more of your products until I can be sure that you are making them the way that they should be made.</p> <p>Regretfully, </p> <p>Dean Griffiths</p> <p><strong>::::::::RESPONSE::::::::</p> <p>Hello from Ben & Jerry's</p> <p>Dear Dean,</p> <p>Thank you for your email. I was sorry to hear that you were unhappy with<br> the Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream you recently purchased.</p> <p>Many people tell us how much they enjoy Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream.<br> However, taste is a very personal matter and I'm sorry to hear that you did<br> not like the flavour. I will pass your comments on to our Product<br> Development team, as we welcome all consumer feedback - both positive and<br> negative - as it helps us to improve our products.</p> <p>Thank you for taking the time to contact us with your views.</p> <p>Kind regards,</p> <p>Patrick Cando<br> Careline Advisor</p> <p>Ben & Jerry's Advisor</p> <p>::::::::REPLY::::::::</strong></p> <p>Dear Patrick Cando, </p> <p>I don’t believe you’ve understood quite what it was that I was trying to say.</p> <p>Perhaps I was unclear, the problem I have is not with the taste of your Vanilla range, I happen to think it tastes like Heaven on a spoon; my concerns are in how you are making it.</p> <p>Your website states that you are not making it the way it should be made so my question to you is, if you are not making it the way it should be made then how are you making it?</p> <p>Please respond quickly as I am missing my weekly tub of your ice cream.</p> <p>Thanking you in advance for your quick response, </p> <p>Dean Griffiths<br> Ben & Jerry’s Enthusiast</p> <p><strong>::::::::REPLY::::::::</p> <p>Hello from Ben & Jerry's</p> <p>Dear Dean,</p> <p>Thank you for your recent email.</p> <p>In response to your query, I am sorry to say that on this particular<br> occasion I am unable to assist you further.</p> <p>Unfortunately, we do not have specific manufacturing details for our Ben & Jerry's products. However, I can assure you that we put the very best<br> effort and ingredients in all our ice creams, no matter what the particular name the ice cream is given. You can also look at our ingredients list for more in depth ingredient information.</p> <p>Thank you for taking the time to contact us.</p> <p>Kind regards,</p> <p>Patrick Cando<br> Careline Advisor</p> <p>Ben & Jerry's Advisor</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-ben-and-jerry-s-plus-reply-4563497/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>complaintbenjerrysice-creamhttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-ben-and-jerry-s-plus-reply-4563497/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-martini-4563430/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-martini-4563430/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:33:19 +0200 <p>To whomever it may concern,</p> <p>I would like to make a complaint regarding your advertising slogan, “Any time, any place, anywhere.”</p> <p>This morning I was fired from my job as a bus driver for consuming your alcohol drink whilst driving. Apparently, according do my boss, driving a bus whilst drinking your product falls outside your promise of being able to drink it at any time. Had I known that your slogan was not a legal loophole then I would have surely limited my consumption of your drink to outside work hours.</p> <p>Because of your misleading slogan I am now unemployed and also facing a police investigation after the bus stop I crashed into housed three people who are now seriously injured in hospital.</p> <p>I would like a written apology and if possible, a letter to my boss and the police stating that I was mislead by yourselves into believing that I was indeed allowed to drive while under the influence of your product.</p> <p>I look forward to your response.</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-martini-4563430/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>martinicomplaintdrink-drivinghttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-martini-4563430/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-coca-cola-4563416/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-coca-cola-4563416/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:26:06 +0200 <p>To whomever it may concern, </p> <p>I am writing to you to express my concerns regarding your “special ingredient”.</p> <p>My mate Doug from the pub says that the reason there is mystery surrounding your refusal to reveal the special ingredient is because it is in fact Rats Urine.</p> <p>Could you please either confirm or deny that you use Rats Urine in your product because I consider myself a fan of your product and should I find that it is indeed made from Rats Urine then I will have to find myself another soft beverage to consume.</p> <p>I am looking forward to your speedy response so that I can get on with the rest of my life, as this whole situation is causing me to become quite disillusioned with Coca Cola.</p> <p>Sincerely, </p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-coca-cola-4563416/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cokelettercomplaintcoca-colanewshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-coca-cola-4563416/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-kellogs-crunchy-nut-cereals-4563411/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-kellogs-crunchy-nut-cereals-4563411/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:24:00 +0200 <p>Dear Doctor Kellog,</p> <p>Your recent TV Advert in which a lady in a queue for a bus uses the hood of a young youth to eat her cereal out of caused me to get horribly beaten up this past Thursday.</p> <p>I attempted to do likewise after my weekly shop to Asdas but the youth I chose flipped out when I attempted to add milk to his hood after successfully filling it with the cereal and proceeded to unleash upon me a frightful beating.</p> <p>I am now unable to leave my flat as my face is covered with swelling and bruises.</p> <p>Your advert does not make it clear that this is not an acceptable way to spend my time in bus queues. </p> <p>Had I known at the time that my actions were inappropriate then I wouldn’t have attempted to eat my cereal out of his hood as I wasn’t particularly hungry in the first place.</p> <p>I would like a written apology and the promise that you will amend your advert to include the disclaimer “These actions could cause you to be severely beaten should you attempt to perform them.”</p> <p>I’m looking forward to your speedy apology. </p> <p>Sincerely, </p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-kellogs-crunchy-nut-cereals-4563411/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>complaintkellogsshoppingnewshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-kellogs-crunchy-nut-cereals-4563411/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-hewlett-packard-4563398/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-hewlett-packard-4563398/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:19:50 +0200 <p>Dear Mr. Packard, </p> <p>I would like for you to clarify a query I have with one of your products.</p> <p>I have recently purchased a desk top computer and am contemplating purchasing one of your many printers. I have been advised by my mate Doug from my local pub to buy an Ink Jet printer.</p> <p>As I know nothing about computers and even less about printers I am concerned that your Ink Jet printers may be too loud.</p> <p>I live underneath the flight path of my local airport and know from first hand experiences how noisy jet engines can be, and as I live in an apartment block with extremely thin walls my worries focus around my need to limit the noises coming from my apartment.</p> <p>Could you please clarify how loud your Ink Jet printers actually are because I would really like to purchase one as all my current letters are printed by my mate Doug and his house is a twenty minute walk from my own and writing and printing letters is becoming quite the chore.</p> <p>I look forward to your response in this matter, though I feel that I shouldn’t have to ask this question as if you were serious about selling printers you would have this information readily available on your websites, </p> <p>Sincerely </p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-hewlett-packard-4563398/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>hewlett-packardpcprinterstechcomplainthttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-hewlett-packard-4563398/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-andrex-toilet-paper-4563392/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/letter-to-andrex-toilet-paper-4563392/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:17:14 +0200 <p>To whomever it may concern,</p> <p>I would like to write to you concerning your usage of the Puppy in your advertising campaigns and merchandise.</p> <p>You probably weren’t aware but I have recently lost a puppy of the same breed as the one you use, in a horrific farming accident. </p> <p>I am writing to you to ask you to cease using the puppy in your adverts and on your merchandise until I have completed my mourning process. My therapist tells me that this could take anywhere up to six months to complete. I would very much appreciate your help in this matter as seeing a young puppy full of life on your adverts makes me cry.</p> <p>Thanking you in advance for your help in this matter and I look forward to seeing your new approach to advertising and merchandise design.</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-andrex-toilet-paper-4563392/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>andrexcomplainttoilet-paperpuppyhttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/letter-to-andrex-toilet-paper-4563392/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/email-to-mastercard-complaint-4546977/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-05:/2008/08/05/email-to-mastercard-complaint-4546977/Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:53:37 +0200 <p>To whomever it may concern.</p> <p>I would like to complain about your “for everything else” series of adverts. These adverts suggest that barring my baby’s first smile and other sentimental moments, I can use my Mastercard for everything else.</p> <p>So imagine my surprise when I tried using your Mastercard to finalize a deal for a shipment of Columbia’s finest Bam Bam by brandishing my Mastercard and telling my business associate to charge the money I owed him to it.</p> <p>To cut a long story short, I was lucky to get out of that meeting alive.</p> <p>I would like to know what you intend on doing about the fact that your product let me down and made me appear foolish in front of business associates that I invested a lot of my time and energy in making in the first place.</p> <p>I would be grateful if in the future you would run a list of places where your card is not an acceptable form of payment so that I don’t make this mistake again.</p> <p>I look forward to your response.</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/email-to-mastercard-complaint-4546977/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>economyshoppinghttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/email-to-mastercard-complaint-4546977/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/email-sent-to-metro-newspaper-4546757/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-05:/2008/08/05/email-sent-to-metro-newspaper-4546757/Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:54:14 +0200 <p>message sent to <a href="mailto:reallife@metro.co.uk">reallife@metro.co.uk</a></p> <p>To Mr. Real Life, </p> <p>I have just finished reading your article on Stefan Lobuczek’s experience with being an Alien abductee in today's (august 5th) edition of the Metro.</p> <p>I want to commend you for your bravery in reporting this horrific tale as I know from first hand experience how traumatic an ordeal being abducted by Aliens is.</p> <p>I was first abducted four years ago at Alton Towers theme park. I was abducted for 45 seconds as I queued for the Nemesis ride. I must say it was the most terrifying moment of my life. </p> <p>They took me up in their space ship and performed all kinds of degrading acts on me. Even though I only left "Earth" for 45 seconds, I actually experienced twenty four years before I was sent back due to the time rift caused by jumping between dimensions without a warm jacket on.</p> <p>After they anally probed me with an assortment of dead animals, they sent me to work in the spice mines of Omagon 9, which if you didn't know is the fourth planet of the Krungan Sector. </p> <p>There I toiled in slavery as a mere spice miner for twelve years before I made my way up to the rank of Cave Supervisor in Spice Mine 6. For the next twelve years I supervised Spice Mine 6 with a mixture of flair and compassion. Indeed, I was twice nominated for Supervisor of the year only to lose out on both occasions to Murdak Gumball, a Kraktacken from the Mid Hotten Sector.</p> <p>I was finally returned back to the line for the Nemesis at Alton Towers after successfully suing my Line Manager Dragtok Simvon for sexual harassment whereby, in order to silence me and stop me from presenting my case to an Intergalactic tribunal, they agreed to return me to my queue.</p> <p>I would like you to pass this email on to Mr. Lobuczek so that he can read for himself the ordeal I endured and know that however scared he gets from his visits, at least he knows that he is not alone. Being a fellow Abductee I am sure he will draw a lot of inspiration from my experiences.</p> <p>Thank you for allowing me to share.</p> <p>Dean Griffiths</p> <p><strong>::::::::RESPONSE::::::::</p> <p>Dear Mr. Dean Griffiths,</p> <p>In reply to the humorous mockery regarding my experiences I was under no illusion that many would poke fun at me. However it doesn’t really matter because there will always be differences of opinion. It is however a shame because there are many others who will learn from this experience and keep their experiences truly buried. I really hope that you enjoy your moment of fun because that’s all it is a moment of fun a cheap jibe.</p> <p>It wasn’t possible for the journalist who covered my story to include all the detail and the supportive evidence to my claims, because he was limited to a predefined space in the newspaper. I am and always have been a sceptical and self critical person and the full account, which remains unpublished, is highly detailed and needs to be judged in its entirety. Also note that I was asked whether I would share some of my experiences as part of a film promotion and that I did so freely, without any payment. Maybe you should sell your story it could make you millions?</p> <p>Kind regards,</p> <p>Stefan Lobuczek <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>::::::::RESPONSE::::::::</strong></p> <p>Dear Mr. Lobuczek,</p> <p>To say that I am disappointed with your reaction Mr. Lobuczek is akin to saying the Spice weevils of Omagon 9 like the taste of human flesh, (I’m sure we both know the answer to that).</p> <p>I am upset that you have chosen to take my letter of support as a mockery.</p> <p>Of all the people in this world I expected to understand my ordeal, I expected that person to be you.</p> <p>After 24 years of mining spices and having no one to talk to about it upon my return I became somewhat disillusioned with life but when I read the gripping account of your own experiences in the Metro newspaper I felt I had found a kindred spirit with whom I could share my experiences.</p> <p>But alas, I am again alone on this rock we call Earth, (Interesting side note, the Kraktackens call our planet Steve. Just thought you’d like to know…)</p> <p>Anyway, I’m sorry if you felt that I was being sarcastic with my letter, I can assure you that that was definitely not my intention.</p> <p>I wish you well with your life and hope you someday find comfort in your experiences.</p> <p>Dean </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/email-sent-to-metro-newspaper-4546757/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>politicsnewshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/email-sent-to-metro-newspaper-4546757/#commentshttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/complaint-sent-to-kfc-4546728/tag:optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk,2008-08-05:/2008/08/05/complaint-sent-to-kfc-4546728/Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:45:06 +0200 <p>Dear Colonel Sanders.</p> <p>I would like to complain about being ejected from your Blackwood Branch of KFC in Wales, the United Kingdom this past Saturday.</p> <p>My crime was licking the fingers of another patron, and for this I was thrown out of the branch and made to feel like a pervert.</p> <p>In my defense, I thought that my fellow patron, whose name I do not know, knew what I was intending as for the entire duration of her meal she did not wipe or clean her hands in any way whatsoever. Now what with your logo being “Finger Licking Good,” I saw her fingers as fair game and proceeded to lick the delicious chicken juice from her digits much to her apparent surprise.</p> <p>I feel that had I known that “Finger Licking Good” relates only to your own fingers, I would not have made such a terrible assumption.</p> <p>I would like to see the phrase “Finger Licking Good” completely removed from all your merchandise and advertising so that nobody suffers the indignity that I suffered due to what was basically an innocent misunderstanding.</p> <p>Yours Faithfully</p> <p>Dean Griffiths.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/complaint-sent-to-kfc-4546728/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>leisureentertainmenthttp://optimisticpessimistic.blog.co.uk/2008/08/05/complaint-sent-to-kfc-4546728/#comments