message sent to reallife@metro.co.uk

To Mr. Real Life,

I have just finished reading your article on Stefan Lobuczek’s experience with being an Alien abductee in today's (august 5th) edition of the Metro.

I want to commend you for your bravery in reporting this horrific tale as I know from first hand experience how traumatic an ordeal being abducted by Aliens is.

I was first abducted four years ago at Alton Towers theme park. I was abducted for 45 seconds as I queued for the Nemesis ride. I must say it was the most terrifying moment of my life.

They took me up in their space ship and performed all kinds of degrading acts on me. Even though I only left "Earth" for 45 seconds, I actually experienced twenty four years before I was sent back due to the time rift caused by jumping between dimensions without a warm jacket on.

After they anally probed me with an assortment of dead animals, they sent me to work in the spice mines of Omagon 9, which if you didn't know is the fourth planet of the Krungan Sector.

There I toiled in slavery as a mere spice miner for twelve years before I made my way up to the rank of Cave Supervisor in Spice Mine 6. For the next twelve years I supervised Spice Mine 6 with a mixture of flair and compassion. Indeed, I was twice nominated for Supervisor of the year only to lose out on both occasions to Murdak Gumball, a Kraktacken from the Mid Hotten Sector.

I was finally returned back to the line for the Nemesis at Alton Towers after successfully suing my Line Manager Dragtok Simvon for sexual harassment whereby, in order to silence me and stop me from presenting my case to an Intergalactic tribunal, they agreed to return me to my queue.

I would like you to pass this email on to Mr. Lobuczek so that he can read for himself the ordeal I endured and know that however scared he gets from his visits, at least he knows that he is not alone. Being a fellow Abductee I am sure he will draw a lot of inspiration from my experiences.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Dean Griffiths

::::::::RESPONSE::::::::

Dear Mr. Dean Griffiths,

In reply to the humorous mockery regarding my experiences I was under no illusion that many would poke fun at me. However it doesn’t really matter because there will always be differences of opinion. It is however a shame because there are many others who will learn from this experience and keep their experiences truly buried. I really hope that you enjoy your moment of fun because that’s all it is a moment of fun a cheap jibe.

It wasn’t possible for the journalist who covered my story to include all the detail and the supportive evidence to my claims, because he was limited to a predefined space in the newspaper. I am and always have been a sceptical and self critical person and the full account, which remains unpublished, is highly detailed and needs to be judged in its entirety. Also note that I was asked whether I would share some of my experiences as part of a film promotion and that I did so freely, without any payment. Maybe you should sell your story it could make you millions?

Kind regards,

Stefan Lobuczek :)

::::::::RESPONSE::::::::

Dear Mr. Lobuczek,

To say that I am disappointed with your reaction Mr. Lobuczek is akin to saying the Spice weevils of Omagon 9 like the taste of human flesh, (I’m sure we both know the answer to that).

I am upset that you have chosen to take my letter of support as a mockery.

Of all the people in this world I expected to understand my ordeal, I expected that person to be you.

After 24 years of mining spices and having no one to talk to about it upon my return I became somewhat disillusioned with life but when I read the gripping account of your own experiences in the Metro newspaper I felt I had found a kindred spirit with whom I could share my experiences.

But alas, I am again alone on this rock we call Earth, (Interesting side note, the Kraktackens call our planet Steve. Just thought you’d like to know…)

Anyway, I’m sorry if you felt that I was being sarcastic with my letter, I can assure you that that was definitely not my intention.

I wish you well with your life and hope you someday find comfort in your experiences.

Dean