Optimistic Pessimist

Hi there,

I am new to Ebay so I am quite unaccustomed to how things are done on the site.

I am very interested in your Jansport Double Black Backpack Travel Rucksack 2in1 Bag. I must say that the price you have it for sale does indeed make a purchase tempting, however, I do have a few questions that will need answering before I commit to a purchase.

Myself and a few associates are shortly due to visit Columbia for a long weekend break and hope to bring back with us some souvenirs. I need to know how well the bags are at containing odors. Due to the nature of my business I need a bag that will emit no odors upon my arrival back to the United Kingdom.

Secondly, rather than meeting your “buy it now price” with the suggested fee, would you accept a trade as I have many items myself which could possibly be of interest to you, most notably a 1985 original Han Solo in Carbonite Star Wars figure still sealed within its original box.

Looking forward to your response.

Dean Griffiths

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to you to express my disgust at yourselves for your chosen lifestyles.

What you inflict upon children is absolutely sickening and in my opinion you should all be jailed for life and shot and then have your bodies eaten by hungry pigs.

It is a sign of the times, I’m afraid, that people like you are allowed to form an organization and boast about your sickening perversions. I have not visited your website so I cannot comment on the undoubted abundance of filth that must be on there, but I can use my imagination.

I would like to see you close your entire network (Or ring, as you people like to call them) of offices and cease living your depraved lifestyles and hand yourselves over to the police, so that they can register each and every one of you and from there, perhaps send you to counseling so that you can control your sickening urges.

I hope you have the decency to at least reply to this letter though I will not be surprised if you decide to lurk deeper into the shadows.

Sincerely

Dean Griffiths

Dear Go-red,

In this weeks edition of my local paper “The Campaign” you have a job recruitment advert looking for driving instructors. It says in your advert that no experience is needed; does that statement include me as I don’t have a driving license?

Thing is, personally I don’t believe that not holding a driving license myself would make much of a difference as I have been a passenger in a car on many occasions and honestly feel that as a result of that experience teaching someone how to drive should be relatively easy.

As a fan of video games I have played more than my fair share of racing games, most notably Colin McRae Rally, which if you didn’t know is considered one of the harder console racing games, and I have completed this on many occasions.

I’m sure you agree that to complete a game like that is impressive, so as you can see, I would make a very experienced driving instructor and would be an asset to your company.

I’m looking forward to your racy response, (A little automotive humour there)

Sincerely,

Dean Griffiths

Dear Plumbing Skills,

Could you please clarify something that has been causing me quite a bit of distress lately?

I have just recently viewed your advert in my local free paper “The Campaign”, your advert which is in the recruitment section poses a very intriguing question; it says simply, “Are you a plumber?”

My question is thus; how would I know?

My parents have always said I should apply for factory work and this is something I’d always assumed I’d do as I’ve never really had any skills that stood out which I could earn a living from, but your question got me thinking, if I was a plumber then maybe I could have a different future than the one my parents have planned for me.

What characteristics should I look out for? I mean, is it like the psychic abilities my Aunt Maggie developed a couple of years ago? She never knew she was a psychic either, her powers just came overnight along with a diagnosis of diabetes.

Can I expect the same thing to happen to me if in fact I am a plumber?

Please let me know what to look out for as your advert really struck a chord with me and I would like to know one way or the other as soon as possible.

Looking forward to your response,

Sincerely

Dean Griffiths.

Dear Carphone Warehouse

I am emailing you to complain about your continued deception of the public. After listening to many of your adverts on the radio, I plucked up the courage, which being agoraphobic is not something I do lightly, and decided to visit your warehouse.

Now, this is where my troubles erupted for after walking the length and breadth of all nearby industrial estates I was unable to locate your warehouse.

When finally I asked directions to your warehouse I was pointed towards the Main Street of my local town whereby I found your measly shop.

A shop?

Can you imagine my surprise when I found out that you were not in fact a warehouse as you advertise on the radio but a shop no bigger than a bookie?

Even my local WH Smith’s are bigger than you, and you don’t hear them advertising that they are a warehouse.

I would like to see the “Warehouse” part of your company name removed from all advertising until you actually relocate your entire network of shops to Warehouses, failure to do this would be irresponsible on your part and a smack in the face to people like me who care about the many pitfalls of false-representation.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing your new “revised” adverts.

Dean Griffiths.

I am an avid viewer of your morning Television program but recently, this past week, I have become quite annoyed with what I perceive to be your increasingly loud volume.

I don’t think you should transmit at such a loud volume that early in the morning. As I live in a flat with thin walls I have to take into consideration my neighbours and since you’ve started transmitting at an unnecessarily loud level I find it difficult to enjoy your show due to my worries about waking up my neighbours.

Before you ask, I don’t believe the problem to reside with my TV as I’ve already ruled that out of the equation as I lost my remote control last week and the levels were fine before that.

So can you please tone down the sound levels for your show otherwise I will be unable to continue to watch it.

I am looking forward to you lowering your sound levels and your written apology.

Thanking you in advance,

Dean Griffiths.

To whomever it may concern,

Recently I visited your store in Blackwood, South Wales and was horrified to discover that in your fresh fruit and veg section, there was what appeared to be at first glance a healthy pear. Now, this pear had caught my eye as like I said, from a distance it looked healthy and delicious.

Upon further inspection I was shocked to discover that what I had mistaken for a healthy pear was in fact at least one day past its best. Now, I don’t know what kind of con you as a company are trying to pull but I for one will not tolerate it. Knowing that you are selling dodgy goods has brought me a great deal of distress, after all, if I am unable to trust a faceless multinational industry giant then who can I trust?

I would like your written guarantee that that almost rotten pear was an anomaly in your otherwise fine fruit and veg selection (Although I did purchase a banana from you with a black bit in it a couple of years ago, but for now I'll let that slide.)

I’m looking forward to both your response and most sincere apology.

Faithfully,

Dean Griffiths.

To whomever it may concern,

I understand the need to represent the interests of every social trend in your TV programming schedule but do you have to keep on putting rappers in front of your shows on late night/early morning TV repeats?

Having never fully appreciated the many levels of the rap music movement, I find it hard to engross myself in your late night, early morning schedule because of their antics in the bottom right hand corner of the TV.

It is most annoying and doubly so considering that what little I do know about the rap scene is that most of its performers are black, unless it’s that albino M&M chap with the pink eyes.

Almost all the rappers you use are white, middle-aged and frumpy.

If you are going to persist in using rappers in your early morning schedule could you at least make them appear authentic as I fear that you are embarrassing yourself with your attempts at being hip.

Looking forward to your response,

Dean Griffiths.

Dear Grand Master,

I recently attempted to join your organisation only to be rudely declined by one of your members.

I thought you’d like to know that your member, (I’ll save him the embarrassment of naming him) used racial prejudices in declining my application.

I happen to be of African decent, both my mother and father are from Nigeria but I myself was born in England. I feel that your member used that information against me when denying my acceptance. I must admit that I was shocked when I was refused as I believe I would be a valuable member of your organisation despite the colour of my skin, (which is black).

Hopefully you will be able to do something about this unfortunate situation and offer me a membership in your organisation in your response to this letter. Failure to do so will lead me to the conclusion that your organisation as a whole is perhaps racist and if this is the case then I will go to the newspapers with that information and publicly embarrass everyone associated with your organisation.

I look forward to and expect your speedy response,

Sincerely,

Dean Griffiths.

Dear Ben and/or Jerry,

I have just finished perusing your website and feel that I must write to yourselves without any delay over the name of one of your former flavors.

Said flavor was called “Vanilla – Like It Oughta Be Done” and can be found in the “Flavor Graveyard” section of your website.

The suggestion of that particular title says to me clearly that you now manufacture your current vanilla flavored tub in a way that it is not meant to be manufactured.

Now this has caused me quite the panic I must admit, as I am an avid fan of your Vanilla tub. So you can imagine my horror as I came to the realization that the Vanilla flavor I’ve come to know as my favorite isn’t really Vanilla at all, it’s just your half-assed attempt at making vanilla.

Surely in the interests of customer satisfaction you should be making your Vanilla Ice Cream the way it should be made?

I mean, the fact that you are admitting that your Vanilla ice cream isn’t made properly suggests that you do not care about me or your other customers.

I feel very aggrieved by this revelation and will not be buying any more of your products until I can be sure that you are making them the way that they should be made.

Regretfully,

Dean Griffiths

::::::::RESPONSE::::::::

Hello from Ben & Jerry's

Dear Dean,

Thank you for your email. I was sorry to hear that you were unhappy with
the Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream you recently purchased.

Many people tell us how much they enjoy Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream.
However, taste is a very personal matter and I'm sorry to hear that you did
not like the flavour. I will pass your comments on to our Product
Development team, as we welcome all consumer feedback - both positive and
negative - as it helps us to improve our products.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us with your views.

Kind regards,

Patrick Cando
Careline Advisor

Ben & Jerry's Advisor

::::::::REPLY::::::::

Dear Patrick Cando,

I don’t believe you’ve understood quite what it was that I was trying to say.

Perhaps I was unclear, the problem I have is not with the taste of your Vanilla range, I happen to think it tastes like Heaven on a spoon; my concerns are in how you are making it.

Your website states that you are not making it the way it should be made so my question to you is, if you are not making it the way it should be made then how are you making it?

Please respond quickly as I am missing my weekly tub of your ice cream.

Thanking you in advance for your quick response,

Dean Griffiths
Ben & Jerry’s Enthusiast

::::::::REPLY::::::::

Hello from Ben & Jerry's

Dear Dean,

Thank you for your recent email.

In response to your query, I am sorry to say that on this particular
occasion I am unable to assist you further.

Unfortunately, we do not have specific manufacturing details for our Ben & Jerry's products. However, I can assure you that we put the very best
effort and ingredients in all our ice creams, no matter what the particular name the ice cream is given. You can also look at our ingredients list for more in depth ingredient information.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Kind regards,

Patrick Cando
Careline Advisor

Ben & Jerry's Advisor